Everything has gone as planned, for the most part. I think that's why I have not updated...I usually wrote when I was upset, and needed to vent. I do have a few "vent" pieces written out..but at the time I didn't post them, maybe I was just too angry, maybe a little ashamed of myself...probably not ashamed. Maybe just exhausted or lazy after I wrote them.
Ohhh, well I looked at the writing, it wasn't mad, I think just boring.
..........So anyways, she was able to drop me off afterwards, and went in with me and waited until the brain tumor support group started.. Omg that helped so much. I was excited all day but when the time came I was so nervous. I got butterflies in my stomach! When was the last time that happened! Then Mark picked me up, and we gave this dude a ride home. In group- he was a talker- had stories about weird dreams and seeing god and such...bragging. i wish I could have just bragged about myself the whole time. Hahah. Ever since doing class critiques at SMFA , or maybe meeting Mark, I've been a lot more confident speaking in front of people, and now have pride? in the value of my opinions.
No one there had a glioblastoma, shorthand..it's called a GBM, glioblastoma multiform. When I told the group my story everyone was like...oooooohhhhhhhh. No one else had a grade 4, or 3. It kinda made me feel badass. I also had the most surgeries and treatments.
Because my tumor is the most aggressive and has the worst prognosis- I feel like..maybe...shut the fuck up kids. Stop complaining. You're gonna be fine! I guess when I share my experiences I want them to feel better....because they are not as bad ass as as me with my GBM. Maybe I'm just bragging about my tumor...and feeling so great and strong. Once again...being a bad ass.
I rarely have a chance to brag, let alone about my cancer.
I probably said some crazy things- I made them laugh so I feel like I was very successful. It was just....so.....lovely. ...speaking so openly about EVERYTHING.
There is another group tonight. Long story short. I can't go due to traveling conflicts...I want to go take a fancy bath and cry right now. The bus situation getting there seems simple...but takes over an hour, includes a transfer that's time sensitive, and I've never been on the buses here or know the area whatsoever.
I was much more adventurous in my previous life.
Anyways, I planned on taking the bus- but it gave me so much anxiety. I could get stranded in the middle of nowhere. I also have a thing with being late- and if I miss the transfer I will be over an hour late, and if I go on a early bus I will have to wait around for 1.5 hours in the middle of I have no idea.
Booorrrrriiinnnngggggg.
Old news = update on the results of scan in next entry!
Monday is my next scan. I had my blood test this week and last. I kept imagining blood spurting out of my vein all over the place, instead of clotting- signifying something was wrong with my blood cell count or some other problem that doesn't make sense at all. I think I'm just nervous about Monday. Really nervous. I can only keep doing chemo if my blood count is good.
if I get bad news- I will probably punch someone in the face- actually probably just faint, yeah the second one. There will most likely be some cussing going on.
I've been so depressed.
