Scan looks good.

Appointments started at 1,then 2, then 3. Then wait the two hour norm running behind time of the doctors. So how it works at UCLA neuro oncology clinic.

There is a team of doctors, 4 I know of, probably more. The initial doctor I go to see, who is recommended to me by my oncologist Dr. Patrick Wen from Dana Farber in Boston, is dr. Cloughsey. I see him once, next appointment I see dr. Lai...unknow to us...second and third time i see dr. Lai. Ok sounds good, this is my doctor.Third time....I see dr. lai.

We go in today, getting big news, expecting to see MY Doctor.

they say..you are here to see dr. Lai correct?

Correct.

Hello my name Is dr. Blahblahblah

who the hell are you?

We have to fill her in on the last 4 months, recall specific dates because their files are incompete.

Whatever.

Can I just see the same doctor every time? At least tell me that he won't be here? This doctor, she sounded so offended that I would be upset that dr. lai wasn't there.

Ends up dr. Lai is in San Diego right now at a big cancer research convention downtown, cool! Maybe I can go stalk him down there.

I would have rather had good news from him.

It's funny that they have the helper chick/ resident/Dr.Yoon come in first, do all the little neuro tests, touch your nose, follow my finger, walk in a straight line- I twirl at the end. Remember these three words.

Baseball, green, happiness. Easy! Baseball on green field happy yyyyyayyyy.

Who is the Vice President?I always miss this question- Mark gives me so much shit. I got it right last time, I don't think it's neurological- I just don't care.

Then the worst question ever, it's always the same too...subtract 7 from 100, and so on. My brain finds this particularly difficult. It is extremely frustrating, doesn't help that we all are laughing, but they help me figure it out. 

It is really embarrassing.

 I'm ripping my eye balls out just trying to count backwards on my fingers.

 Let's call this a neurological problem.

Anyways so she comes in and does this..without telling us the results first! Leaves us hanging... Finally they point you to the back room with the MRI screens...to the doctor we have never met before. Scan looks good. Good.

I feel numb. 

Totally not happy, or relieved, or sad.

(I've never said this out loud) but sometimes I wish it would just grow already so I don't have to deal with everything while I wait for it to grow.

Glioblastomas, always grow. It's just how long it takes to fuck you over.

So we are happy my tumor has not grown. So this means the CCNU chemo has worked- or my tumor has just decided to chill for a while- my donuts are helping I think.

I go back in another 6 weeks to do this again.

I have no patience. 

I have no patience.

I have no patience watching my loved ones freak out, or for stupid people, or for cancer.

I am good at turning off  freak out I have cancer. I'm doing fantastic!

And I'm good with confrontation.

Anyways...I feel totally numb. 

Last night I wrote, 

I feel like everyone is my enemy.

Followed by many angry mean hurtful words. I decided to not post this, yet. 

I don't really feel this way, I'm happy by tumor hasn't grown.

It just stresses me out more. Instead of being super aggressive with it now and going to the ends of the earth to save my life...it's recommended I wait, I can't get into any clinical trials until it "grows back" anyways.

There's a bunch of things I can do in conjunction with my chemo, but all my doctors are so wishy-washy because they haven't been clinically studied, or have only been done so in Europe. They admit these things won't hurt trying, but they are just so....err whatever...about anything u say or ask about it.." Well some of our patients are doing it"......silence.

I'm totally down.

But It freaks my mom out to no end, she's old school. If the doctor doesn't say DO IT she's going to trip balls. We are meeting with a doctor, Dr. Cobb who does these therapies with his patients.We are lucky enough to meet with him on Wednesday as he is in SD for the same cancer research convention. We are having tacos. Mark has hooked us up with him. This makes my mom nervous.

She thinks I will do whatever Mark thinks I should do.

Sometimes it hurts my feelings..

I do what I want when I want. I'm Spolied remember?

My mom and I were just upset- by the time we got home tonight- both of us were just...DONE.

On our drive home from LA we realize I don't have the Zofran I need to take with my chemo dose tonight. We have to page the doctor, it gets sent to the wrong pharmacy, pharmacy says it's already been filled and it will cost $400 out of pocket. 

We didn't know they filled the Zofran at the same time as the chemo at UCLA...after freaking out, I check the bag. There it is.

Stressed the tuck out- we are Done.

Chocolate and a bath and some Jo Malone curiosity of my mothers stash.

I had the pleasure of meeting my friend Sara for dinner before we got on the road, always chill before we drive home, avoid rush hour.

Oh...and when we get into the doctors so late in the afternoon, the doctors are DONE. You can just tell, the entire staff is ready to go, and leave! Everyone is dead tired. They don't speak to you, they respond. If you don't say anything they won't either.

The pharmacy was closing, so if we didn't get my chemo script over we would have to go back tomorrow and pick it up, 1+ hour drive.

Dr.Yoon was an angel and ran it over. As Mark went to go pick it up...the pharmacist says...are you kidding me?! We close in 15 minutes...

How the ******** is that my problem!!

Mark is the best. We are badasseS. My momma too.

Going to take the pill now. I take two pills ....and that's good for 6 weeks. I get the usual side ffects associated with chemo that we think of. But it only lasts about a week.

I'm going down on the steroids! In 3 weeks hopefully they will be all done. 

Sunny came today, he was such a good boy.

At least I'm happy that today is over. I'm sure I will be relieved and happy about the outcome tomorrow.

I'm starting to feel a bit angry now.

Has anyone else felt like this when getting important news? Numb/ unhappy about getting good news. Maybe I'm not using the correct wording to describe how I feel. Frustrated? 

Wednesday night I will be back in San Diego. On Monday mom and I go to SF to speak with the research team.

I just want this to be over.

Let's just do the chemo, and get good results every 6 weeks. That's that.

On Sunday, mom and I go to Houston for I think 4 days. I'm excited about this. I get to see my angel Amanda and we are going to see a bunch of cool stuff! Rothko's cathedral, and this butterfly exhibit, they land on you!

I hope they attack me!

MD Anderson sounds like a resort!

I'm excited, it's going to be a little vacation. 

I just want to get back to normal, whatever normal is.

I want to plan my wedding.

Goodnight guys. Feel free to ask questions. It's relieving for me to talk about it.