New to Venice

I

MRI slides.

First growth 2014

Chemo didn't stop it, it progressed to this.....

Go donate blood!

2 bag blood infusion... 3 hour order and double check of donor blood, 3 hour actual infusion 

New project

 Starting tonight I want to document the crumbling of my mind and body. And also the growth.... Of whatever is left of me. That's a bad explanation of the project. Every night as long as I can remember I want to take a photograph of myself sitting here in my bathroom, as I am now, while living in Venice. Tomorrow morning in particular will be difficult, I have a MRI to determined if the chemo has worked, or if my tumor has grown. The way things are going...I think the cancer will take me before next Christmas. 

I'll be your tumor

I feel like such a bother. Am I the tumor in your life? You know I have nowhere to go. No matter how hard you try to beat your tumor, bend me to your will...It will never go away. But you are different, you can choose to run and hide/ but you do not. Your face is illuminated by a loop of bouncing sass and bobbing ass, in your reflection I see darkness.Do you plan your revenge. Do you feed off me? 

Ugh. Yo.

Everything has gone as planned, for the most part. I think that's why I have not updated...I usually wrote when I was upset, and needed to vent. I do have a few "vent" pieces written out..but at the time I didn't post them, maybe I was just too angry, maybe a little ashamed of myself...probably not ashamed. Maybe just exhausted or lazy after I wrote them. 

Ohhh, well I looked at the writing, it wasn't mad, I think just boring. 

..........So anyways, she was able to drop me off afterwards, and went in with me and waited until  the brain tumor support group started.. Omg that helped so much. I was excited all day but when the time came I was so nervous. I got butterflies in my stomach! When was the last time that happened! Then Mark picked me up, and we gave this dude a ride home. In group- he was a talker- had stories about weird dreams and seeing god and such...bragging. i wish I could have just bragged about myself the whole time. Hahah. Ever since doing class critiques at SMFA , or maybe meeting Mark, I've been a lot more confident speaking in front of people, and now have pride? in the value of my opinions.

No one there had a glioblastoma, shorthand..it's called a GBM, glioblastoma multiform. When I told the group my story everyone was like...oooooohhhhhhhh. No one else had a grade 4, or 3. It kinda made me feel badass. I also had the most surgeries and treatments.
Because my tumor is the most aggressive and has the worst prognosis- I feel like..maybe...shut the fuck up kids. Stop complaining. You're gonna be fine! I guess when I share my experiences I want them to feel better....because they are not as bad ass as as me with my GBM. Maybe I'm just bragging about my tumor...and feeling so great and strong. Once again...being a bad ass.
I rarely have a chance to brag, let alone about my cancer.
 I probably said some crazy things- I made them laugh so I feel like I was very successful. It was just....so.....lovely. ...speaking so openly about EVERYTHING.

There is another group tonight. Long story short. I can't go due to traveling conflicts...I want to go take a fancy bath and cry right now. The bus situation getting there seems simple...but takes over an hour, includes a transfer that's time sensitive, and I've never been on the buses here or know the area whatsoever.

I was much more adventurous in my previous life.

Anyways, I planned on taking the bus- but it  gave me so much anxiety. I could get stranded in the middle of nowhere. I also have a thing with  being late- and if I miss the transfer I will be over an hour late, and if I go on a early bus I will have to wait around for 1.5 hours in the middle of I have no idea.
Booorrrrriiinnnngggggg.
Old news = update on the results of scan in next entry!
Monday is my next scan. I had my blood test this week and last. I kept imagining  blood spurting out of my vein all over the place, instead of clotting- signifying something was wrong with my blood cell count or some other problem that doesn't make sense at all. I think I'm just nervous about Monday. Really nervous. I can only keep doing chemo if my blood count is good.
if I get bad news- I will probably punch someone in the face- actually probably just faint, yeah the second one. There will most likely be some cussing going on.
I've been so depressed.

All I wanna do

There is no place to sit in this town. I guess because they don't want the bums  hanging out? Rather have them sitting on the ground like dogs. A Downtown should have seating- period. So we can rest, chat with strangers, people watch- judge people. But the bums ruined all that. 

I need to do something with my life.

I haven't been working at all. I'm scared I guess. I'm so used to being a dependable hard working employee of the month. What do I do if I start feeling terrible while working- I would have to leave. Or if I have to call in sick. I don't think this is fair. Maybe I can go in a couple days a week. Yeah- sounds shitty for some reason. I don't know if I feel comfortable being responsible for kids safety- what if? I have no reason to think this- maybe it's just an excuse. I have a meeting with my manager next week.

I have been so bored at home. I play the domestic until I'm so tired I'm laying half way off the bed while folding laundry. I work on my art.right now I'm doing a lot of repetitive gluing- I've watched 38 episodes of the Wonderyears. I'm curious- does Arnold ever go through puberty?

So, I was thinking maybe I can volunteer. The San Diego Brain Tumor Foundation, I just learned, is located down the street from me! Maybe I can, sit in the office on the computer and go for coffee runs- if they had nothing for me to do.. I'm sure it's a pretty small operation.

On Tuesday I plan on going to my first brain tumor support group. This is put on by the foundation. Of course it's at UCSD. In La Jolla, might as well be in Mexico. We will have to get a zip car- it only meets once a month I think. Maybe I will find a tumor friend. I bet I walk in and there will be two people in wheel chairs on respirators or something fucked up. I have a drawing I abandoned in EL Cajon, I've been meaning to pick it up for months.

It may as well be in Mexico.

I hate libraries- because I hate looking for the book I need. I will ask again and again for help until the librarian will just get the book for me.

OMG I can just hang out at the library all day! Like a bum. I bet they have chairs there. It's a new building... Maybe they have an overpriced cafe?

Maybe I could read to kids there? I bet they have something like that. I could just read out loud... And wait for some kid to wander over.

My mom said there is a crochet group that meets there- I don't know much about crochet yet- I see mom this weekend so I'm going to buckle down and learn, and try not to get too frustrated. I like hanging out with old ladies.

I just want a friend. Someone who wants to hang out- go do something. Can we do this during the day? I get tired at night. Oh- and can we do this downtown? I'm uncomfortable leaving my neighborhood- and I don't have a car.

When we first moved here I tried hanging out at the only gallery downtown. The woman running it day to day spoke with a French accent- I learned she grew up in Orange County. Weirdo. Anyways... I stopped going over...I guess I felt uncomfortable....my first day there. Another gallery rep... Lost a 40K deal. Because... She was stupid... She told the man he didn't have to pay tax.. Couldn't figure shit out, blah blah, anyways- I wish I could have chimed in- I could have handled the situation. Anyways... The gallery has now closed.

Hmmmmm

Have you ever been so bored you want to sit down in front of a wall and stare that wall down, and have this activity be the only interesting thing you can will yourself to do? 

Sitting at the shitty mall at Horton plaza. And I finished my coffee. Damn... I feel like I need to leave... Sitting here seems pointless- I feel awkward not having something to put in my mouth.

This boredom has made me suuupppper grumpy today. 

It also sucks being poor.

I could volunteer, with the homeless.. Battered women... Other kids. If someone handed me a flyer I would do it in a second- why does finding a way  to help people seem so difficult-not the act of helping- but finding an organization-I need a sign up sheet. I suck at navigating the WWW.com

I guess that's it. My sister comes tonight to pick me up for Palm Springs.  That will get my mind... Thinking... About other things.